EnviousParanoia

I have a clear case of jealousy and envy to most of society, but also I do not like the society that surrounds me to this day.

To the outside world, i am very shallow and reserved and barely even attempt to show who i truly am except to select individuals. But, to those that judge me without the chance of knowing my background and bullshit i go through, you are obviously wasting both yours- well, just your time, not mine- time on insulting an individual that doesnt care about your views. Though barely anyone knows me in my area, i show off the typical impression to make their day easier and hopefully mine if there's a sensable bond between us. If there isnt that type from the impression i give off, i will simply give a brief explanation of how i truly am outside of Denbigh High and with friends i have known throughout my lifetime:

-I am studious and give how much time is necessary to get assigned objectives done.

-I can be funny when those typical times happen, but it feels like i can harmlessly pull off a joke with specific individuals, most likely the people i have known throughout my life. I have also noticed most of the female friends i have, i can be relaxed with along with a rare amount of male friends.

-I try to help others that i know in whatever way possible if i think i can assist depending on what the problem is. I give advice thats most likely direct and to the point, even if it is with education and -God forbid if you rant about your relation problems with me.

-I like games that deal with action, scifi, horror, fighting, shooting dealing with survival, so on so forth.

-I draw fanart, anime, muscular to athletic type anthropomorphic lizards and dragons which classifies myself as a "scalie", art-wise.

-For such a term, that brnigs me to the fact that im more active online than the society offline.



But, for the reality given to me, it's extremely difficult for myself to bring my personality out. With all the "normal" types of people out, i rarely have the time or encouragement to meet the scarce amount of people that have similar interests or hobbies such as myself. Due to the nature of my highschool, i find myself to be in this 'fake' personality:

-I find myself to be extremely quiet and observant of others within the room. I veer out to be the loner of the room and have no intention of communicating with the basic, "normal" classroom.

-I tend to agree with whatever views the person that starts a conversation and ends up being very talkative just to end the conversation unless i find myself to have this person as a friendly bond, which isn't remembeed the last time i encountered such a scenario.

-Most have said that i look depressed or sad just by my first glance.



Fun Fact: I actually am within those two parameters. Why? Because society holds the same types of people:

-The common ones that barely get anything done and talk to others.

-The potheads that dont give two shits about their future.

-The thugs that try to make their ego as big as what they think their manhood is -truly- not.

-The women that look for a job or man that tries to be as glamourous as possible that want things their way but are sadly not accepting how reality works.

-The gothic looking types of crowds that don't have anything to relate to you whatsoever that you wouldnt even think of showing to your relatives.



I could go on, but i do not have the time for such a rant-venting. I could have my chance to show others how i truly am, but its interrupted by rude people that misunderstand the fact their person is in conversation with myself, or just by the fact that i am paranoid of feelings given to how im judged by not only the outside world, but the person i try to bring into my world as well as vice versa. Along with the educational restrictions of getting schoolwork done and the short amount of time between class sessions, it's an automatic defeat for my attempts at becoming social. I could very well try to show off myself, but i am restricted to these sorts of things. Yet,

..i see people that barely try in work but have the chance to become social or the popular type of person. Should this be envied, or looked down on? Your future could be hindered, but i dont know your plans. You couldve been done with the work by a long shot but to have that opportunity to socialize nonstop and not have the worry of grades and colleges and goals, etc. ..that disturbs me, truly. Being ranked 24 of my class of 2012 of at least 300 people, being told by my relatives and folk to go to college and dont stop with work, i really find this goal of my educational/carrer life hard to achieve once i had realized that my social life is near death, and is soon going to be deceased. How would i even be able to revive my socializing if there's no one to do it with, barely anyone to do it with but numerous interruptions and blocks prevent me, or not even giving that chance if afraid of judgement from others? I had given that chance blatantly at my middle school, and the output was several incidents i know i couldve changed if i had "lightened up." Others told me i was weird, different, even the lengths of assuming my orientation just by who i was with. I dare to not even try to explain how irrational and immature such comments were to how i acted to people that actually accepted me for who i was and still am, just hidden in a protective barrier that requires the code for acceptance and leisure time to pass through. You can ask others of myself that had known me since elementary and they'd rant about the type of person youre missing if not talking to me and i would gladly do the same for them. Though this is a small rant for myself, i wouldnt care if others glanced through or didnt see since they have a life of their own.



I told myself my Freshman Year that i would graduate high school with all my credits and a nice amount of friends made from the four years that would hopefully stay with me outside of school or hopefully run into in the future.

Those that i had made so far would hopefully value me as i did for them to see who i was and accepted me in their life as i had did with them. Very few is better than nothing. I guess i could say i made less than 5 new people i talk to out of school. But i slowly become vague and alone as to what purpose i have. Soon, i'll hopefully nod this thought off and have a clear, light mind. Hope you took this journal as a thought of who i truly am or not, it's all on your decision.